


Kiss Me Once More

by Scuttlepants



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Elsanna - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Modern Era, POV First Person, Sibling Incest, flangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scuttlepants/pseuds/Scuttlepants
Summary: “Elsa?” I spoke softly, gently, and held out the chocolate as an offering. She hesitated a moment before turning and looking at me, and I felt the familiar torment in my heart as I saw all the misery and fear in her eyes. This is my fault.A story of broken trust, and a chance of redemption.
Relationships: Anna & Elsa (Disney), Anna/Elsa (Disney)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 43





	1. Burden of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this back in February and wow am I glad to finally be publishing it. Can't give enough thanks to my beta u/Aether_nb over on Reddit. They are amazing, wonderful, and a joy to work with. Hope you enjoy it!

The end of the cigarette lit up incandescently as I took a deep drag. I glanced up and smiled around the filter gripped between my teeth. Dark clouds hung low; they almost looked like I could touch them if I went to the roof of the complex. I always enjoyed smoking on days like this; there was something about the low pressure, or maybe the moisture in the air, that condensed the smoke I exhaled, making it appear much larger than it really was. 

Breathing out slowly, I watched as the baby cloud went to join his much larger relatives. A light patter of rain began to fall, and my thoughts went elsewhere as I wrinkled my nose at the ticklish sensation. 

“Fucking rain,” I mumbled. Normally I love the rain, especially on a warm summer day. One of my favorite activities is running around in heavy rainfall; the freedom and joy I find in those moments, when I let all worries and concerns be washed away, is unmatched. However, there are few times more inconvenient for sudden rain than when I’m trying to have a smoke. Distracted by my thoughts, I didn’t hear the footsteps approaching behind me. 

“I thought you quit.” 

I whirled around at the voice, my mouth going just slack enough to let the cigarette fall out onto the damp concrete.

“Shit fuck!” I cursed as I quickly tried to get it before it got wet, but I was already too late. 

Sighing dramatically, I glanced up at the beautiful figure in front of me and offered a wry grin; she had never liked the smell of cigarettes, and liked that I smoked even less. “I did, then I un-quit. It’s kinda like a cyclical thing. But what are you doing here anyway? Oh shit, did we have plans?” 

I saw a flash of disappointment, or maybe anger, in her eyes, but she quickly reined it in, as she gave a single sharp nod. 

“Aw fuck, I’m sorry sis. Well, I am free, I mean like, I don’t have other plans.”  _ I was just going to eat some ice cream and catch up on some shows—damn I’m gonna get behind again.  _

Elsa let out a sigh, but she seemed to accept it—at least I hope she did. “Alright, but you really ought to put reminders in your phone you know.” 

I grinned, glad that she wasn’t going to be pissed at me. We began walking back to my apartment as I explained my predicament: “you see, I would, but I don’t like pulling out my phone when I’m around people, it’s rude you know, and so I don’t, and then like I forget to put it in later, but I remember the plans, and I’ve got them in my brain, but then they just kind of seem to slip out. Ooh! Maybe they get stolen while I’m sleeping, like those fairies or demons that mom would tell us about and…” I knew I was starting to ramble about nonsense, but I didn’t try to stop; I knew that Elsa found it funny when I did that, and I wanted to make her laugh. 

I kept on chatting, effortlessly jumping between topics in a spectacular display of non sequiturs, until I was interrupted by the soft sound of giggling. I glanced over and grinned as I saw Elsa laughing gently behind a hand. I’d never understood why she did that—it was probably just one of those habits picked up forever ago that don’t go away—but I’d be damned if it wasn’t the cutest thing. 

We made our way into my apartment and I tried to quickly hustle around and make the place slightly more presentable. It’s not that it was that messy, not by my standards anyway, but I knew Elsa preferred a much cleaner space than I did, and I wanted her to feel more comfortable. 

Elsa leaned against the kitchen counter and watched me as I gathered up some empty beer bottles and dirty dishes from the coffee table. I kept on talking, just going with the flow of my mind; I always had a lot to say. I knew that part of it was my inefficiency with words, but I had stopped caring about that a long time ago; besides, I enjoyed telling stories. 

“Oh, and did you hear that Aisling and Gareth broke up?” at this I actually paused, allowing Elsa the space to answer if she felt inclined. 

“What? Oh no, I hadn’t heard. What happened? When?” Elsa replied, pushing off from the counter, surprise clear in her eyes. 

“Oh, I think it was like two weeks ago? Well no, that was when Aisling told him she’d cheated on him—oh yeah, that’s why they broke up—but it took Gareth a bit to decide if he wanted to try make it work, poor guy, he didn’t deserve that. But yeah he told me about it like a few days—” I cut myself off sharply when I glanced up and saw the look on Elsa’s face. 

Her whole body had stiffened, and I could see the muscle in her jaw had clenched. There was a far-off look in her eyes—her beautiful icy blue eyes—and I knew what she was thinking about. 

Guilt crept up my spine and settled in my stomach as I processed what I had just said.  _ Damn that was stupid. _ I opened my mouth a couple times trying to think of what to say, but everything I thought of seemed like it would make things worse.  _ I can’t say nothing, but I can’t just continue on like that didn’t happen. Maybe… no she won’t want to be touched. Ooh! I know. _

I quickly got up and grabbed a bar of dark chocolate from the fridge; Elsa and I had always loved our chocolate chilled. 

“Elsa?” I spoke softly, gently, and held out the chocolate as an offering. 

She hesitated a moment before turning and looking at me, and I felt the familiar torment in my heart as I saw all the misery and fear in her eyes.  _ This is my fault.  _

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up I swear, it was just by accident and I really didn’t want to make you feel bad or-or-or think about that or anything I just… I’m sorry.” I stopped there, knowing less was better at this moment, so I watched her intently hoping she would accept my apology. 

Shame crept into my heart as I watched a tear leak out and fall down her face. She quickly closed her eyes upon noticing, and started concentrating on her breathing. I wanted so badly to reach out, to hold her, to let her cry in my arms and then wipe away the tears, but I couldn’t, and I only had myself to blame. 

A modicum of relief swept through me when she took an audibly deep breath—almost a sigh of resignation, or maybe determination—and opened her eyes. I could still see all of the emotions lurking there, but they seemed more contained; it made me feel better, but only a little. 

“O-okay Anna,” her words were soft, and slightly choked in the way they are when you are trying not to cry, but she reached out and took the chocolate from me. “I believe you.”

The intensity of the weight in my chest was alleviated at her words, but it was short lived as I remembered that she wasn’t happy, or even necessarily okay still. I kept my mouth shut, however, giving her space to be. I had never liked having to let her have space; I wanted to rush in and try to make her feel better, but even before what had happened, she’d needed space to process her emotions. It still bothered me; it made me feel useless, like I was watching a movie—unable to interact with those on the other end, but I had learned to accept it. 

The silence was interrupted by the crinkling of the chocolate wrapper. I felt a small smile return to my face as I watched my beautiful sister take a bite. Her eyes flew shut as she chewed—but this time I knew it was out of joy. My smile grew as I saw one begin on her face, and when she opened her eyes again, the tempest of emotions that shone within began to retreat. 

I bit my lip and I knew my eyebrows were furrowed as I debated what to do next.  _ Ah fuck it, I’m going to have to try someday. _

“Is it alright if I give you a hug?” I asked as gently as I could, and opened up my arms, allowing her to approach me if she wanted to. 

She looked up at me at the request. I could see her hesitation, but to my surprise the corner of her mouth tugged up a little in an adorable smile as she nodded. I wanted to rush her, to tackle her and squeeze her so she could never leave, but I held my ground. I knew that she had to make the decision, had to be the one to act. 

Her approach was shy, and slow; I smiled encouragingly trying to urge her on. She stepped up to me, and all of my impatience disappeared as soon as I felt her body come into contact with mine and her arms wrap lightly behind me. I slowly and gently enclosed her in my arms, and nuzzled my head into her hair. The slight smell of mint and lilac brought back many memories, and all the feelings associated with them; I loved every second of it. I had missed this, missed the feeling of completeness in her arms—it had been too long. 

A deep sob interrupted my thoughts as I felt Elsa bury her face into the crook of my neck. I immediately moved my arms away from her, worried this had been a mistake. I expected her to pull away, to run out of the place and get away from me, but instead her nails dug into my back as she gripped me tightly and let her tears flow freely. 

Realizing she wasn’t going to leave I brought my arms back, and held her firmly, one hand stroking the back of her head. I whispered soothing nonsense into her ear in the way I knew she liked, but it was a struggle to not break down into tears myself. Her whole body shook, wracked with sobs, but I heard no sound from her except intermittent gasps for breath.

“A-Anna, why?” 

I wasn’t prepared for the question. I knew exactly what she meant, but I had been so focused on comforting her I hadn’t expected it to come up. I didn’t want to break the embrace—if I was being honest with myself I didn’t want to answer. We had been over this before, and I had never been able to give her a satisfactory answer. She didn’t understand, hell I didn’t understand it myself. I wasn’t sure what she expected me to say, but I knew she needed me to try. 

“I… Elsa I don’t know. I-I’m stupid, I don’t think ahead, I wasn’t careful, I make reckless and stupid decisions,” I had to pause as I felt the tears I’d been holding back begin to fall. I forced myself to take steadying breaths; they didn’t stop the tears, but helped me stabilize my voice. I opened my mouth to continue, but I found that I couldn’t form the words.  _ What am I supposed to say? Why did I do it? God, I’m so sorry Elsa—you didn’t deserve this.  _

Lost in my thoughts I found myself holding onto Elsa as tightly as she held onto me as we wept in each other’s arms. I don’t know how long we stayed like that, nothing else mattered and time ceased to be relevant. 

“I love you Anna, I love you so much.” Elsa’s words were filled with sadness, but her tears had begun to subside, and I could hear her more clearly now. 

“I love you too Elsa, please believe me.” I hated the pleading in my voice, but I needed her to understand this. 

I felt her grip on me loosen a little, and she began to pull away gently. I didn’t want to let her go, but I followed her lead and relaxed the hug. Thankfully, she didn’t entirely pull away from me; her arms were still on my back, but she was now looking at me. Her eyes were puffy and red, her cheeks were wet, and her nose was runny. I knew I didn’t look any better. 

“Then why?” The question came again—this time I had known it would. Shame and fear resurfaced, but I forced myself to look at her, look into her eyes. And as I did, as I thought about what had brought us to this point, a new thought began to unfurl in my mind. 

“I, I think I was scared,” I spoke hesitantly, trying to form the new thoughts into words. “I don’t know, like I was afraid of this… I was afraid of being with you.” The truth in the words brought a dull and familiar ache to my heart. “I don’t think I realized—I mean I’m only really realizing this now—but I didn’t know what would happen if we stayed together. I don’t know, I didn’t know it at the time, like it was subconscious—”

I halted abruptly when Elsa began to pull away more, and I felt the panic rise.  _ She’s going to leave; she doesn’t want to be around me. She’s not going to forgive me.  _ But she took my hand and led me towards the couch in my living room. Relief flooded me as I realized she wasn’t going to flee, and when we had sat down that relief spread to my legs; I had forgotten how long we were standing. 

Elsa kept her eyes on me; she was still crying, but she was listening, and she gave me a nod to continue. I took a deep breath, and forged ahead: “I love you, and I loved you then, but I didn’t know how to commit, I think. I mean, we’re well… you know, and I know you don’t care, but I think a part of me did; a part that I didn’t allow myself to entertain. A-and I should have.” 

I had to pause to steady herself. My mind was reeling from the realizations it was processing, and I desperately didn’t want to say the wrong thing. The progress being made between us almost felt tangible; I could feel the difference this admittance made, and I wanted—needed to hold on to that. 

“I… I think I was afraid to lose you. I didn’t allow myself to think about the doubts I had, because I didn’t want it to end,” a wry chuckle escaped my throat at this.  _ Funny how trying to avoid something can end up being the cause.  _

Pausing, I lowered my whole body in a hunch so I could look up into Elsa’s downcast eyes. “Hey, you okay? I mean, I know you’re not, but like, should I go on?” I was grateful she didn’t flinch at my words; it had been happening semi-regularly since I had told her about that ill-fated night. 

Elsa nodded at me, and I believed her, but her eyes still shone with sorrow, fear, and something else I couldn’t identify. I must have been more distracted than I thought, as I came back into focus when one of Elsa’s cool fingers stroked down the bridge of my nose. I couldn’t help but shudder at the simultaneously ticklish and soothing sensation. A smile crept back onto my face and I looked at Elsa.

She was looking at me expectantly, and I could see the crinkle of a tepid smile on her face.  _ My god, you’re fucking beautiful.  _

“Elsa, you know I didn’t do it intentionally right? I mean like, I didn’t plan it or anything. I didn’t care about her—she was just there, and I-I was drunk, and we’d had that fight, and I think I understand what was going on in my head that let me get to that place but I…” the words faltered on my lips. Everything thing I was saying felt true, but it didn’t feel like enough—it didn’t feel adequate for the hurt I had caused.  _ Damn it, say something! _ “I love you Elsa.” 

It hadn’t been what I intended to say, but the simplicity and truth behind it felt right. Elsa seemed to sense it too as she looked at me thoughtfully, her head slightly cocked to one side. I felt exposed, but I let her examine me; she needed to process this, and I’d be damned if I got in the way of that.

“Thank you.” Elsa’s words were soft and kind and not at all what I had expected. “Thank you for being honest with yourself and with me.” 

The tears started to flow down my face again.  _ You’re too good for me; you deserve better.  _ “Yeah, I—you’re welcome, I guess. I mean I just… aren’t you mad?” The question was quiet and muffled by my sniffles—I hoped she hadn’t heard it. 

“I… no Anna, I’m not mad. I was never mad at you, not really, just… hurt.” 

It had felt like forever since we had talked like this—since she had talked to me like this. I didn’t know how to react, how to keep it from escaping as quickly as it had come.  _ Don’t you dare fuck this up, you got this! _

I wiped away the wetness on my cheeks and took as deep a breath as I could through my clogged nose. “I know I hurt you Elsa,”  _ god do I ever _ , “and I will never stop telling you how sorry I am for that. You never deserved that. I wish I could take it back, or fix it, or make it up to you, but I know I can’t. I just… I’m sorry Elsa.” The words came freely now, fueled by a seed of hope that had started to grow in my chest. “I guess, I mean—thank you for hearing me. I mean, thanks for understanding? Like… thank you for not hating me.”  _ I probably could have said that better. _

There was a heavy pause before Elsa spoke. “Anna, I could never hate you. I love you, and I’m not going to stop loving you.” The sincerity in her voice was palpable; I felt my whole chest grow warm at the words. 

A cry born of the abundance of emotion escaped my lips as I leapt into her arms and held on tightly as I could. I didn’t say anything, but I don’t think she needed me to. She seemed to understand, and returned the embrace, stroking the back of my neck gently. 

We stayed like that for a while, and it was the most complete I’d felt in a long time. But eventually Elsa pulled away, and I reluctantly released her. 

“I need a little space to think and process all this. I was thinking I’d go for a drive, but can I come back later?” I felt panic try to reach out and grip my spine at her words, but I fought it down.  _ She just needs some space.  _

“Y-yeah, that’s alright. Please do come back later though! Just um… be safe, please?” The words were rushed, and I hated it; I hated sounding so unsure, so afraid, so  _ needy _ . 

I watched Elsa get up from the couch and collect her stuff; I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure what, so I kept my mouth shut. She opened the door and the sound of the rain washed into my apartment. Pausing, she looked back at me and offered a small smile as if to assure me she’d be back; then she was gone. 

**—**

I wasn’t sure exactly how long Elsa had been gone. I avoided looking at the clock; the seconds were slow enough without watching them tick by. I had cleaned my apartment and washed the dishes that had piled up, but it had only been a temporary balm. Now I was outside my apartment entrance smoking a cigarette while leaning against the railing. 

The rain cascaded down in a constant dull roar; it was a soothing sound to my troubled mind.  _ What is she doing? Is she going to be mad when she comes back? What if she is going to hate me now that she knows why.  _ I shook my head to rid it of the thought. She had told me she would always love me.  _ Hold on to that! You got this! She loves you!  _

My thoughts were interrupted by the headlights of a car pulling into the parking lot. I peered down through the curtain of rain and was elated to see it was Elsa. I puffed on the cigarette vigorously, racing to finish it, then flicked it out into the night and rushed inside.

I wanted to brush my teeth and freshen up—Elsa didn’t like the smell of cigarettes—but having just cleaned I was unable to find my toothbrush before I heard the gentle knock on the door. 

_ Shit shit, ah damn it! _ As much as I wanted to not bother Elsa with the smell, I wanted to keep her waiting less. I practically ran to the door and pulled it open. She stood there, with the rain cascading down behind her and the light from my apartment illuminating her beauty. I could tell she had been crying, but her eyes were currently dry. Pulling myself together I stepped to the side letting her in. 

As soon as the door was shut, I turned around and grabbed her in a fierce hug. She gave a little squeak, clearly surprised, but returned the hug.  _ God she’s too fucking cute. _ I didn’t want to let her go, but I didn’t want to push her, so I did. I pulled back and smiled shyly at her trying to convey… well everything I was feeling to her. She smiled back and I felt my heart warm. 

“Hi,” she said it with a small wave, and I felt a quiet squeal escape my mouth. With a laugh she took my hand and squeezed it affectionately. 

“Uh, oh yeah hi! Um, how are you? How was your drive?” I winced at the stream of questions, but of course she didn’t mind. 

“Well, it was a lot. I had a lot to think about, but it was useful. Anna, can we talk some more?” I had known this was coming, but it still recalled all my fear.

I nodded and walked over to the couch with her.  _ Wooh, okay this is it. You got this girl! Just focus on her, be there for her.  _ We sat and I looked up at her, waiting for her to speak. 

“I guess I just want to start by saying I really appreciate what you said earlier. I know that must have been hard—it was hard for me too.” She paused to steady a tremor in her throat. “I know you weren’t hiding it from me, but I really needed that truth. But—”

I didn’t know quite what it was, but something about this conversation—this whole day—hit me then. All the emotion, all the fear of losing her, all the guilt and shame rushed through me in a moment. The revelation from earlier weighed heavy in my mind, but pushing through that—pushing through all the fear in my heart came a clear thought, accompanied by a burning desire in my heart. 

“I want you Elsa,” I blurted, interrupting her.  _ Shit what?  _ She seemed as surprised as I felt, but it didn’t take me long to process the decision I had reached. “I want you,” I repeated. “I want to be with you, I want to love you. I… I know what I said earlier, and I don’t feel that way now. I want  _ you _ , as my sister, my friend, my lover.” It was raw—unthought out, but it was real. 

I bit my lip anxiously and looked at her intently. Her eyes were full of bewilderment and tears soon began to spill out. I hesitated briefly before reaching out and wiping one away with my thumb. I was delighted when she leaned into my hand, gently nuzzling her cheek against it as her tears fell. 

“Anna… I-I, I don’t know. I love you, god I love you so much! I just…” she trailed off, but I knew exactly what she meant. 

“I know Elsa, I understand. I… I completely understand if you can’t, or won’t. I know I broke your trust, and I know I hurt you. If you don’t want to take that risk again, I can only blame myself.” I sighed deeply with the words. I didn’t like offering this option, but I knew I had to, I knew she needed it. “But if y-you’re willing, I want to show that you can trust me. I promise I will prove I truly want this Elsa. I’ll show you that you can trust me.” 

Tears still trickled down her face, but I could see her mind whirring, evident in her distant eyes and creased forehead. I waited as patiently as I could, stroking her cheek lightly with my thumb, reminding her of my presence, my love. 

“O-okay, we—I… I’m willing to try.” She said it so timidly I almost doubted I had heard it, but looking into her eyes, I saw the love, the hope, the fear, and I knew. 

A sob broke from my throat, one born of joy and the release of tension. “I love you Elsa, I love you so much. I—thank you!” It felt foolish to thank her, but I wasn’t concerned at that moment. 

She was still crying, but there was a gentle smile on her face, and she nodded demurely in response. I knew she wasn’t completely sure—that she still had doubts; she had only said she’d try. But that was more than I had ever dared to hope for.  _ I’ll make it up to you Elsa, I promise. You deserve better and I will be better, for you.  _ We stayed still and silent for a little while, soaking in the change and the emotion of the day. 

I didn’t know how she wanted to proceed—I wasn't sure where to pick back up from. Before today it had been so long since we had really touched, so I was shocked when she began to lean forward for a kiss. I wanted to kiss her so desperately, but a flair of panic and guilt set in, and I gently held her back with a hand.

“Elsa, wait, I… I was smoking.” 

A warm and loving smile spread across her face, and she pushed forward against my hand. 

“I know, and I don’t care.” 

Our lips joined and I felt overwhelming affection bloom in my heart and spread upward until it was present in every movement of our lips. 

_ I guess I don’t care either then, my love. _


	2. Hope of the Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A while later...

The last sliver of light had already faded from the sky by the time I pulled back into my apartment’s parking lot. Turning off the car, I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes as the exhaustion of the day seeped forward.  _ God, I could go for a cigarette right now.  _

It had been months since I last smoked. While Elsa was as understanding as she could be, she had asked me not to, and I had no desire to disappoint her. But some days—days like this—the temptation to do it anyway was strong. Grumbling, I grabbed my bag and got out of the car; I wasn’t going to let Elsa down today, but it didn’t make me want to smoke any less. 

The walk up to my apartment seemed far longer than usual, but eventually I found myself unlocking the door and stepping inside. I pushed the door shut behind me, paying no mind to the loud sound it made, and walked directly to our bedroom. 

I dropped my bag on the floor and let myself fall face-first onto the bed. A groan escaped my lips as I rubbed my head against the soft comforter and felt some of my weariness recede.  _ Fuck yes, I love this bed. _

“Rough day?” 

The voice was gentle and had a playful tone to it that I was very grateful to hear. Tilting my head to the side, I glanced back to see Elsa leaning against the doorframe, her lips curled in the hint of a beautiful smile. 

I grinned back at her—or rather I tried to, the effort seemed insurmountable in that moment—as I grunted in response; it felt sufficient. 

Elsa raised her hand to cover her mouth as a giggle escaped. “Would you like some chocolate?” she asked kindly. 

My eyes widened and I nodded vigorously against the comforter. I heard another laugh as she headed to the kitchen. Warmth spread from my chest at the sound, as I started to wiggle my legs up and down in an attempt to get my shoes off. It took a couple seconds—which was far too long for my patience at the moment—before I heard a  _ thwump  _ as one shoe fell to the floor and the other banged against the wall. I let out a deep sigh of contentment as I wiggled my toes luxuriously, basking in the sensation of the cool air caressing them. 

Still murmuring in contentment, I began to caterpillar my way up towards the pillows of the bed, when I heard an abrupt chortle, quickly interrupted by an undignified snort. With great force of will, I flipped on the bed and looked up at the beautiful blonde who was currently leaning against the doorframe chuckling at my antics. 

With a slightly bashful smile, I stuck my tongue out at her before noticing the chocolate she held in her hand. I felt my mouth water as I reached out towards her and made grabby hands to show my impatience. 

Still giggling a little, she pushed off from the door frame and came to sit next to me on the bed. She reached out her hand, offering the pieces of chocolate bar to me. I took them from her hand gratefully, immediately popping several pieces into my mouth. 

My eyes fluttered shut as the rich, sweet, and slightly bitter flavor spread throughout my mouth. There was always something soothing and rejuvenating in chocolate for me. I felt like my tiredness was wrapped up in a blanket and put to sleep itself.  _ Wow, I must be more exhausted than I thought.  _

Opening my eyes, I looked up at Elsa leaning on one arm above me. Her beautiful blonde hair hung loose, framing her face; I couldn’t look away. “I love you Elsa.”

“I love you,” she replied, affection shining brightly in her eyes. I felt an abundance of emotion build up within me at the sight, but my focus was thrown off when she held out the rest of the chocolate.

“Now, eat this before it completely melts in my hand.”

I was all too happy to comply. There were only a few pieces left, which I quickly tossed into my mouth, leaving behind what had melted on the tips of my sister’s fingers.  _ What if… _

A thought wavered in my mind and I glanced up at Elsa, but she just smiled at me—not knowing what I was considering. Pushing past my fatigue, I gently took her wrist and pulled her towards me. My eyes were fixed on hers, and as I leaned forward and wrapped my mouth around one of her chocolate tipped fingers, I saw her eyes widen in surprise. 

The velvety taste of the chocolate mixed with the taste of her skin was intoxicating. I cleaned her finger of any trace of chocolate before gently sucking another finger into my mouth. My eyes were squeezed shut as I swirled my tongue around her thumb. 

As soon as my mouth was around her finger, I felt Elsa stiffen and let out a little gasp; it was addicting. When my tongue wrapped around her thumb, I heard her let out a small but passionate moan.  _ Gods Elsa, I can’t get enough of you.  _

This was not something we’d tried before, and it pleased me to learn that Elsa was clearly enjoying it. As I continued cleaning her fingers of any trace of chocolate, my mind wandered to thoughts of Elsa lying on the bed before me, clothes scattered across the room. Her eyes shining with passion as I kiss my way up her calf to the inside of her thigh, then— 

Without warning her hand was pulled from my grasp, abruptly leaving my mouth. I opened my eyes in confusion—fantasy fading—and looked at Elsa. She was standing beside the bed now, clutching her hand to her chest; she looked flustered and afraid. 

“Elsa? Are you okay? What’s up sweetie?” I set my feet on the ground and stood up as I spoke, my tiredness from earlier completely forgotten. 

She glanced up at me and I thought I caught a glimmer of wetness in her eyes. “I-I-I just… I’m not ready yet Anna—I, I just need more time before…” 

Understanding struck me like a ton of bricks, and I felt my heart clench as a wave of regret swept through me.  _ Damn it Anna! You’re pushing it too soon, she needs time.  _

“Shit, I’m sorry Elsa, I’m really sorry. I wasn’t thinking like that, I mean I guess I wasn’t really thinking, just doing. I understand you’re not ready after… I know it’s gonna take time, and I really am so sorry; like so, so sorry. I want to be with you, fully—and I don’t mean that as pressure! I just… I’m trying to say I love you.” I pulled my ramble to an end; I had to focus on the important aspects, not get us stuck on the past. 

Elsa closed her eyes briefly, and took a couple deep, steadying breaths before opening them again. I could still see fear in her eyes, but she seemed to have avoided letting it grow beyond control. 

“I… I know you weren’t trying to push me Anna, and thank you for the apology,” she spoke slowly, intentionally. I felt my stomach drop and twist as I recognized the signs that she was going to say something I probably wouldn’t like. 

“It’s just… I’m concerned—I’m scared. You said you didn’t think, you just acted; it scares me.”

Realization dawned on me with a sharp stab of shame.  _ Of course, you idiot! That’s what you did before with… her. Jesus, how stupid and selfish can you be!  _

I tried to hold back the tears that began to prick at my eyes as I nodded at her words. “Elsa, I understand. God, I’m so sorry, I… you’re right, I need to be better at controlling my impulses… you deserve better.” I felt the tears escape my eyes and trail down my face, but I bit down on my sobs, containing them. 

Elsa looked up at me and I saw her eyes soften when she saw the state I was in. She shifted her weight, almost taking a step toward me, before she halted, concern and fear etched on her face. 

I couldn’t blame her for hesitating, but a deep pang of grief still swept upward from my stomach until it escaped my mouth as a wet sob.  _ Damn it! Don’t do this now, show her you’re listening!  _ Despite my desire to focus on Elsa, there was nothing I could do to halt the flow of emotions now that they had broken through. 

I turned to the side and covered my mouth to try mask the whimpers that accompanied a fresh bout of tears. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Elsa wring her hands and take a small step towards me. 

“Anna, I’m s—”

“No no, please don’t be!” My words were broken up by tears and gasps for breath. “I’m sorry, I-I-I’m sorry, I promise I’m trying not to.... to be like this.” It didn’t feel good enough; I wanted to say more, to show that she was my priority.

She didn’t say anything, but I saw her drop the hand she’d been clasping and close the distance between us. I was about to tell her not to worry when I felt her rest her hand at the base of my neck. The words died in my throat as she gently massaged the area as I wept, offering a steady comfort that began to ease my emotions, quicker than even I expected.

As soon as I felt like I had my tears under control I turned towards her, offering a shy smile. “I'm sorry Elsa. I promise I’m not trying to make this about me, it’s all just sad… and scary, but I’m okay now—I mean okay enough.” 

She looked me in the eyes as I spoke, and when I was finished she gave me a gentle smile and a nod, “I understand. I’m glad you’re feeling a little better.” 

I couldn’t help but smile in return, causing a stray sob to escape my throat. She hadn’t said it, but I could see in her face and hear in her voice the reassurance that she hadn’t given up on me.  _ You’re too good for me—I love you so fucking much.  _

Elsa stepped closer to me, tentatively wrapping her arms around me. I quickly returned the action, embracing her fervently. She slowly rubbed my back, as a few last tears leaked out from my closed eyes. The shame and sadness remained, but they were diminished to a less overwhelming level by the love Elsa was giving me. .

After a minute or two I felt Elsa’s arms relax as she pulled back until her hands were resting on mine. I looked up at her shyly, feeling embarrassed and guilty for how we had started the night.  _ Though I was super exhausted and not at my best when I got back, so there is that.  _

“Thank you for giving me another chance, Elsa. I mean, I know it’s a process and we’re not fully back yet—just… thank you for giving me the opportunity to regain your trust. You mean everything to me.” She smiled at my words, and I felt warmth bloom in my chest.  _ Gods Elsa, you’re incredible.  _

“I love you,” she said simply. “Now come, let’s go watch something and eat some ice-cream; we could both use it.” 

I smiled back at her, but my stomach felt uneasy at the sudden shift away from what had happened. “Elsa I… that sounds amazing, and I very much want that, but aren’t you still mad at me? I mean, if you’re not that’s okay! I don’t want you to be mad. But… I guess I just don’t want you to ignore it if you are, because I mean… I know I fucked up.” I winced internally at the bluntness of my words, but it felt important to bring up. 

Elsa’s eyes dropped at my question, and I felt her hand tighten on mine. She shuffled her feet as she appeared to consider my question. The silence was incredibly uncomfortable, but I was committed to sticking it out. 

She didn’t look up when she spoke: “I… I am a little mad Anna, but more I’m scared. I’m scared about the future—our future. I don’t… I don’t want to get hurt again, but I don’t want to focus on that right now. I know you didn’t intend to hurt me, and I know that you love me. I want to focus on that; I just want to love you.”  _ And I just want to love you.  _

I felt a wave of sadness threaten to overwhelm me again at her forthrightness, another reminder of the hurt I had caused. But she wanted to love me right now, and that, at least, was something I would not mess up. “Okay. I can do that, let’s get some ice-cream, and we can talk later.”

She looked back up at me, and gave me another smile before turning and leading me out of the bedroom towards the couch. She sat me down before going and grabbing two pints of ice-cream from the freezer. We settled in and went to work on the pints, relishing in the sweet flavor, and how it relaxed us as we moved past my slip-up. 

When it approached the time for us to go to bed, we were spooning on the couch. I had insisted on Elsa being the little spoon, and while she had played reluctant, I knew that it was her favorite.  _ This is for you my love.  _

Despite my exhaustion from earlier, it was Elsa who fell asleep in the middle of a movie we were half paying attention to. I carefully switched off the TV as quietly as I could, before nuzzling into the back of Elsa’s head, giving gentle kisses to the nape of her neck. Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea because I felt her stir and shiver a little as she giggled at the sensation. But she clearly seemed to like it as she scooted in closer to me, humming softly in delight. 

I knew it would probably be best to get us to our bedroom for the night, but right then all I wanted was to not disturb this moment with Elsa. After I had very nearly destroyed our chance of having a relationship, these moments had come to mean so much more to me. 

As I began to drift off to sleep, a thought struck me that caused a smile to bloom on my face.  _ I’ll make it up to you, I promise.  _

**—**

Excitement and nervousness coursed through my veins in the form of adrenaline as I checked my phone again. Elsa was only fifteen minutes late, but that felt like an eternity in that moment. The gift I’d spent a likely unreasonable amount of time picking out for her sat on the counter in an ice-blue gift bag, tied shut with a light pink ribbon.

Normally, I wouldn’t be this worked up about giving Elsa a gift. While it wasn’t exactly a common thing for me to do, it wasn’t too far out of the ordinary, and I knew that she liked gifts. But there was a lot more meaning behind this one.  _ What if she doesn’t like it? What if she thinks it isn’t enough? Damn, maybe I should just throw it out and get her something better.  _

Before I had time to consider that option more, I heard her keys jingling at the door before she swung it open and stepped inside. She looked a little tired, but a smile grew on her lips when she saw me standing there.

“Hey there, you been waiting for me?” There was a comfortable teasing tone to her voice that immediately helped soothe my nerves—at least a little. 

“Hi! I uh, yeah I’ve been waiting here. Just excited to see you! How are you? Can I get you anything?” I winced internally at my babbling.  _ Just take it slower, you got this!  _

She arched an eyebrow at my words, clearly picking up on my nervous energy, but thankfully she didn’t call me out on it. “Hmm, I don’t know, maybe a hug?” The teasing tone was still present in her voice, but under laced with warmth. 

“Oh, yeah!” I squeaked out as I rushed forward, wrapping my arms around her with a big squeeze. She returned the hug while chuckling lightly at my antics. 

“So, gonna tell me what’s up?” She asked when the hug drew to an end. 

I smiled sheepishly at her question; I’d always had a hard time containing my excitement, especially when it involved Elsa. “Better yet, I’ll show you! Go sit on the couch, I’ll be there in a second.” I gently pushed her in the direction of the living room, waiting until I saw her sit on the couch before grabbing the bag from the kitchen counter. 

Holding it behind my back, I went and sat on the couch next to her, twisting my torso so that I was facing her, and the box remained hidden. She looked at me curiously as I settled down; I saw her eyes flicker towards my hands, but she didn’t ask any questions. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about what you said the other night… about my impulse control,” I saw her tense up as I spoke, but I continued. “And well, first I wanted to just let you know that I understand why that’s scary for you. I’m sorry that part of me has hurt you.” I paused for a little bit; it felt right to let those words stand on their own. 

Elsa was looking at me with confusion and trepidation, but she didn’t interrupt, and I was thankful for that. “But yeah, I was thinking about it, and I-I wanted to give you this,” I brought the gift out from behind my back as I spoke, “and well, just open it first.” I held the bag out to her, watching intently as she tentatively reached out and took it from me. 

She held it in her hands briefly, rubbing one end of the ribbon between her fingers as she examined it. She glanced back up at me and gave me a small smile before she began pulling on the ends of the ribbon, unfurling it. I felt my heart kick up in pace as she slowly opened the bag.  _ Please like it, please like it!  _

As soon as she saw what was inside past the bag’s opening I saw her smile widen, accompanied by a small gasp.  _ Ooooh, that’s good!  _ She reached down and gently picked up the little plush snowman I had gotten her. 

There wasn’t anything particularly special about the little guy, but he was cute, and  _ very  _ soft. He had three tiers, with little stubby balls of snow for feet, and a couple of uncharacteristically floppy sticks for arms. For his nose he had a very large carrot, and there was a joyful grin plastered across his mouth. 

I watched Elsa hold him and gently stroke her hand over the top of his head, clearly relishing in the softness of the velvet he was made of. 

“I know how much you like snow and snowmen, so he’s my apology—and a promise,” I said quietly. 

Elsa looked up at me with a question in her eyes, but she continued to stroke the snowman, which made my stomach feel very warm.  _ This is it, just show her you mean it.  _

I took a deep breath before speaking: “I promise you, Elsa that I’m going to do better by you—for you. I know I have issues with impulse control, but this, this is a promise—a commitment—that I’m not going to let that hurt you or get in the way of us. Not again.”

She grew still as I spoke, listening, and when I was done she reached out and took my hand. “Anna, I… you’re wonderful, thank you so much! I… I want you to know that I understand that it’s part of  _ you  _ to act impulsively sometimes. This means a lot to me, I hope you know that, but I don’t want you to think I’m expecting—or even hoping for—perfection. I love you for who you are, and I just want to make sure you know that.” She gave my hand a tender squeeze as she finished speaking. 

I felt a bit of annoyance at Elsa begin to grow in the back of my mind; I knew it would be impossible for me to never act impulsively. I had pushed away this fact in favor of romanticism, and having the reality brought back felt notably frustrating. 

My feelings must have been more obvious than I realized as I glanced up at Elsa and saw her looking at me with worry. 

“What is it Anna?” Her voice was small and tinged with fear. 

I let out a heavy sigh before speaking: “I just, I want to be perfect for you. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t like being reminded that I can’t be perfect.”

The concern dropped from Elsa’s face and she chuckled, not unkindly, at my words. “Oh Anna, I know you want to be perfect, and I love you for that. I just want you to know that I’ll love you even if you’re not perfect. I mean I… I need improvement to feel safe with you, but I don’t need you to never make a mistake again. I just, as long as you can show me that you’re trying, that you’re working on your uh, impulses, then I can work with that.”

Despite my own acknowledgement of her point, I felt a defensive part of me flare up at her words, but I was determined not to act from that. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths. I breathed into my chest, where I felt the fierce tension to defend myself rest. It took longer than I liked, but I felt the pressure begin to relent until it was no longer pushing to be expressed. 

With the negative emotions receding I was suddenly overcome by a burning love for Elsa. A warm smile spread across my face involuntarily, and I leaned forward to capture her lips with mine. It was a gentle kiss, slow and tender, full of promise and love. 

When it felt right, I broke the kiss, giving her forehead a kiss before leaning back and continuing the conversation. “You’re right, I can’t be perfect, and well, yeah that doesn’t exactly make me happy, but thank you for understanding, love.” She smiled and nodded as I spoke, her hands holding the little snowman close to her chest. I smiled back at her before continuing, “so given that, every time I act impulsively in a way that… that hurts you, I’m going to get you another snowman. To show you that I’m trying, to show you that I am sorry for my mistakes and that I am aware of my failings. They’ll be my perpetual commitment to you Elsa; I love you, and I’m not going to let you go.”  _ Well that was kinda cheesy, jeez, you’d think this is some romcom.  _

Despite my reservations, Elsa didn’t seem to mind my choice of words one bit. Her whole face was lit up, and she was just looking at me—taking me in. Under most circumstances that kind of attention would make me feel awkward, but right then, with her, it felt right. I grinned and gave her a little wave, which caused a cute giggle to escape her mouth. 

“I’m glad you like him; I’m glad I have you.” 

“I love him Anna, and I love you. Thank you so much. Now, come give me a hug!” 

I chuckled and performed what I’m sure was a very poor salute, “yes ma’am! One big-ass hug coming on up!” I scooched over as I spoke and pulled her into my arms. 

The hug was wonderful, but ultimately not very comfortable, so we soon shifted around until I was sitting upright with my arms wrapped around her as she leaned against me. We didn’t speak for a while, there wasn’t much that needed to be said. We just sat in the quiet warmth of our love, my hand stroking her arm intermittently.  _ I don’t want this to ever end.  _

I wasn’t tired, but I let my eyes droop closed, enjoying the peacefulness of the moment. Elsa was still against me for the most part, but I could occasionally feel her arm shift as she continued to hold and stroke the little snowman. 

“What are you going to call him?” I murmured into her hair. 

She remained silent for a little while before responding: “Olaf.” 

“Olaf. I like it; good name for a happy little snowman.” 

I felt her nod, and then we were silent again for a while, punctuated by the occasional kisses I gave to the top of her head. I took these opportunities to breath in the scent of her hair; I had always loved the way she smelled.  _ I cherish every part of you, my love.  _

Eventually I felt her start to pull away gently, and I reluctantly released her from my grip so she could sit up. I could tell she had turned to face me, but I kept my eyes shut, holding on to the last slivers of the moment we’d shared. 

“Anna?” 

“Hmm?” I hummed. 

“Do you want some chocolate?” 

My eyes flew open to see her grinning at me, a twinkle of amusement in her eye. 

I grinned back at her, not ashamed of my lust for chocolate, “fuck yeah I do!” 

She chuckled at my enthusiasm, and I soon joined in. Pulling myself away from the back of the couch, I leaned towards her and planted a kiss on her cheek. “Race you there,” I whispered, before jumping off from the couch and rushing all of ten feet to the kitchen. 

Elsa was close behind, laughing at me when she saw me brandishing the chocolate I had grabbed like a trophy. But instead of stopping she rushed straight into me, wrapping me up in a tight hug and picking me up off the ground. 

She spun around a couple times, eliciting a continuous stream of laughter from me before setting me back down. She moved her arms up to my head and cradled my face in her palms before she pulled me in for a kiss. 

I wanted to hold her tightly, I wanted to kiss every inch of her body, I wanted to share the chocolate, and I wanted to tell her repeatedly how much I loved her. But in that moment, as our lips moved in a dance of radiant affection, I was happy to let those things wait. 


End file.
